by Jeanne Gorman
Special to The Leaven
KANSAS CITY, Kan. — Even as adults, children of divorced parents carry deep and unhealed wounds resulting from their parents’ divorce. Recognizing a need to provide spiritual ministry and support to such people, then-Archbishop Joseph F. Naumann reached out to Brad and Libby DuPont, consultants for the archdiocesan office of marriage and family life, and sought their assistance. In turn, about three-and-a- half years ago, the DuPonts asked Deacon Steve Nguyen to lead this ministry as its chaplain.
Deacon Nguyen, a member of St. Ann Parish in Prairie Village, was ordained a permanent deacon and assigned to his home parish about eight years ago. When he began this ministry, called Life-Giving Wounds, Deacon Nguyen was unaware of the pain adult children of divorced parents carried with them into adulthood, regardless of their age when their parents divorced. The program had begun nationally but had not yet reached the archdiocese when Deacon Nguyen was called to be its chaplain and attend to the spiritual needs of this population. At the time, he had “no clue” what it was but “wanted to do something different” in his ministry.
Life-Giving Wounds meets in small groups biweekly, generally at Good Shepherd Parish in Shawnee or in individual homes. These are support groups in which participants share the wounds they are carrying, articulate what they are feeling and going through, and allow the Lord to work in this setting. Generally, six to 12 people attend a session.
All are welcome, and participants attend when they can. The program also includes study of a book called “Interior Freedom” by Father Jacques Philippe, designed to help participants learn that despite the circumstances of their life, developing their interior life — especially the virtue of hope — can help them reclaim their interior freedom.
Deacon Nguyen has discovered two main types of wounds carried by children of divorced parents that are addressed at the meetings:
1) Adult children blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. They believe it’s their fault their parents divorced. They feel worthless and not like a child of God.
2) Adult children carry deep anger. They are not at peace with themselves and need to understand that it is OK to feel that way and let the feelings go.
Each meeting begins and ends with prayer, provides time for eucharistic adoration and sometimes a Mass.
As the program’s chaplain, Deacon Nguyen represents the church in listening to the participants’ pain and “lets them know they are not alone or forgotten.” He is not a licensed counselor but is, instead, a spiritual guide. He believes people are comforted by the knowledge that the church hears them, and he reminds them the Lord is here with them.
Participants agree.
“The Life-Giving Wounds retreat was the first time I had openly discussed my parents’ divorce that had occurred 40 years previously,” said one participant in Life-Giving Wounds. “For 40 years, I held wounds of abandonment and depression that had been pushed aside because my parents were now ‘happy.’
“I was the forgotten fallout, and it wasn’t until I found Life-Giving Wounds where I finally had a voice and experienced compassionate conversation within my small groups. [A] Life-Giving Wounds retreat was the start of allowing Christ into my wounds and experiencing true healing within my heart and soul.”
Unfortunately, Deacon Nguyen said, he is afraid many people are unaware of the program. Besides urging affected adults to consider participating in the program, he urges all clergy “to be aware of wounds [the children of divorced parents] carry [and to] be sensitive to their journey and to their needs.”
The program hosts an annual weekend retreat at Savior Pastoral Center in Kansas City, Kansas, which has been attended not only by folks from the archdiocese and the Greater Kansas City area, but also from places like New Mexico, Dallas, St. Louis and Wichita. Many find the retreat to be particularly beneficial.
“This retreat was a turning point,” said another participant. “I had no idea I was still holding on to so much pain from my parents’ divorce all these years later. Connecting with others who truly understand that lifelong impact brought me a level of peace I didn’t think was possible. I’m finally beginning to unpack what I’ve spent decades pushing down, and I’m leaving feeling affirmed, heard and ready to heal.”
But the retreat is often just the start of the healing. It is the ongoing community support that can really fuel the healing.
“I am so incredibly blessed by Life-Giving Wounds,” said a third participant. “Since the 2023 retreat, this community has stayed by my side, providing the support I needed to finally address the impact of my parents’ divorce. Having a dedicated group to process things with as they come to the surface has been so healing. There is such a deep sense of peace in knowing that others truly understand my story. My life is so much richer for it.”
The next annual retreat will be held April 24-26 at Savior Pastoral Center. All programs and the retreat are conducted in strict confidence.
For more information about the program, to locate a schedule of group meetings, the annual retreat or other resources, go online to: lifegivingwounds.org and click on “Join Us” for a drop-down menu.
