by Tom Racunas
Special to The Leaven
LENEXA — As the chaplain for Catholic Community Hospice, a ministry of the archdiocese that offers guidance, peace of mind and compassionate end-of-life care, Deacon Jim Lavin’s days are filled with helping family members deal with the death of a loved one and the universally human experience of grief that follows.
Deacon Lavin knows his own grief that has followed the death of his father in October 2023. He also knows the grief of his mother, who after 66 years of marriage, would be without her beloved spouse during the upcoming holidays.
For his mother, who loved to decorate and host family get-togethers, those first holidays would be very different and very difficult.
“Holidays are extremely difficult while grieving, typically more difficult than ordinary time,” said Liz Pruett, a licensed professional counselor who facilitates the grief support ministry at Church of the Nativity in Leawood. “The holidays have memories, traditions and sensations associated with them and our loved ones who are no longer here. All of these are a constant reminder that life is different and our loved one is not here.”
Pruett said there is a general expectation of happiness during the holidays, because it is considered a joyful time, a time of gathering of family and friends.
“When there is an expectation to be happy and we are not there, it [creates] internal pressure and it exacerbates our grief,” she said. “Each experience of holiday sights, sounds or smells can be a reminder of time spent with our loved one and a reminder that we can no longer have that.”
Deacon Lavin said that his experience taught him that neither he, his siblings nor anyone else can take away his mother’s pain. There are no magic words. Grief is unique to each person. There are generalities and similarities but those don’t always apply to an individual.
In their book “Giving Sorrow Words: How to Cope with Grief and Get on with Your Life,” authors Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway assert: “Mourning is the most intense process that people go through. Grief is complex, unpredictable and primal. Many people are frightened by it — frightened by feeling it and frightened by seeing it in others.”
So how do we navigate the complexity of grief for ourselves? How do we support a family member or friend who is grieving?
Pruett advises people to “communicate to family and friends what your needs are.” Those who care should ask.
Deacon Lavin’s family knew that their mother did not want to be alone.
“We said to her, ‘Mom, we are here for you. What do you need?’ We offered alternatives for her — where she would like to go, what she would like to do, who she would like to be with — but never pressured her or made the decision for her,” he said.
Pruett also said it is more likely that people can learn to navigate, rather than eradicate, their pain.
“There is a huge hole in your heart and in your world,” she said. “Recognize that. Also recognize that there are things to be grateful for. When there is a significant loss in our lives, we do not have control over the emotional pain but we can have control over how we navigate that pain. It is difficult to do but when we learn to sit with our grief and allow gratitude for life as well, it can help us to navigate the pain of loss.”
Deacon Lavin suggests experiencing what the church offers during Advent.
“Diving into the liturgy of the season can be a source of comfort,” he said. “The liturgical season of Advent stands in stark contrast to the secular consumerism of Christmas.
“During Advent,” he said, “we are destined to experience what we are made for — the promise of Christ’s salvation for ourselves and for the loved ones whom we have lost.”
Strategies for coping during the holidays
Grieve and grieve some more. Don’t worry about getting stuck. Grief never ends but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay.
Share your feelings. Talk to anyone who has a good heart and is willing to listen.
Keep a journal. Write letters to your loved one. Say things that you always wanted to tell them or share your memories of them.
Make the most of symbolism. Honor old traditions and create new ones. Make your loved one’s favorite food dish and share it with others. Light a candle. Hang an ornament on the tree in their memory. Volunteer or make a donation to a charity in their honor.
Take care of yourself. Set boundaries, get plenty of rest, exercise, do things you enjoy and recognize those things in your life for which you are grateful.
Ask for help if you need it. Grief counseling and support groups are available. Go online to: www.archkck.org/family/care-support/catholic-counselors. Check the calendar page in The Leaven or call your parish office.
