I’m afraid this isn’t so serious

by Father Mark Goldasich

“Please, please! Make it stop! Make it stop!”

If you’re ever at a horror movie and hear someone shouting this hysterically from the audience, no need to turn around: It will be me. I’m not a fan of spooky films because: 1) I already have too vivid an imagination and don’t need any more ideas about what a strange sound around me might be; and 2) I spend too much time alone, making me easy prey for monsters, zombies, etc.

Over the past 15 years of this recent political season — at least it’s felt that long to me — I’ve been tempted to shout, “Make it stop!” many times. (In fact, if you check with my neighbors in Tonganoxie, I’ve given in to this temptation on “a few” occasions.) Like the undead, you just can’t escape the political ads or comments — whether on TV, Facebook or in person.

Well, I’m done with it all because I voted early on Oct. 24! Maybe we could use a break from this negativity, arguing and hand-wringing at least for a while. With Halloween around the corner, let’s start with some questions and answers:

1. What do ghosts and goblins drink when they’re thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-Aid.
2. What do you call a witch that lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch.
3. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere that he can boo-gie.
4. Why is a ghost such a messy eater? A. Because he’s always a goblin.
5. What do Italians eat on Halloween? A. Fettuccini Afraid-o.
6. What instrument do skeletons play? A. A trombone.
7. Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
8. Why are vampires like false teeth? A. They all come out at night.
9. Where do vampires keep their money? A. At the blood bank.
10. What do you give a pumpkin that is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch.
11. Why did the vampire read The Leaven? A. He heard it had a great circulation.

OK, if those weren’t “bat” enough, how about this terrifying tale:

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard “BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP” behind him. Stealing a quick peek over his shoulder, he caught a glimpse of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP.

The man walked faster, but the casket kept pace after him. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

Dashing up the front steps of his home, the man fumbled with his keys, finally got the door open, rushed in and slammed and locked the door behind him. But the casket, with its lid flapping, crashed right through, advancing BUMPBUMPBUMP on the heels of the terrified man. He fled upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a splintering of wood, the casket broke down the bathroom door and came slowly toward the cowering man. Screaming, he reached for whatever was close at hand. He hurled the object — a box of cough drops — at the casket and immediately “the coffin stopped.”

It’s probably a blessing that I’m not with you right now or you’d probably be hurling something at me! I hope, though, this column has given you at least a momentary break from the election craziness.

I’ll close with something a bit more serious but still in the Halloween spirit. Though I shared it before, it’s worth another look at how being a Christian is like being a pumpkin:

God picks you from the pumpkin patch and brings you in. (“It was … I who chose you.” — Jn 15:16)

Then washes all the dirt off of you. (“Now you have had yourselves washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.” — 1 Cor 6:11)

He opens you up and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. (“We know that our old self was crucified with Christ, so that our sinful body might be done away with.” — Rom 6:6)

Then he carves you a new smiling face. (“My lips shall shout for joy as I sing your praises.” — Ps 71:23)

Finally, he puts his light inside you to shine for all the world to see. (“Your light must shine before others.” — Mt 5:16).

Wow, can you imagine what life would be like without a loving God like ours? Now that’s a really scary thought!