by Libby DuPont
The sacrament of matrimony is an amazing gift. When lived joyfully, it has great power to proclaim the love of Christ to the world. But what about when marriage is a source of pain instead of joy?
No marriage is perfect. We can all learn to love our spouses better, and often when we hit a rough patch, all we need is a few new tools to reconcile or communicate better. Many couples in our archdiocese have revitalized their marriages through retreats and skills courses. Even couples on the brink of divorce have found healing through counseling or programs like Retrouvaille that specialize in couples in crisis.
But there’s a separate category of marriages that we don’t talk about enough, and that is one where there is abuse. In these cases, the spouse experiencing violent behavior often tries valiantly to hold things together.
It may be that they were raised in an abusive environment, so it feels normal. Other times, they believe that things aren’t that bad, that they deserve it or that their spouse will change. Some have reason to fear for their own safety and that of their children if they were to speak up. For people of faith, however, there can be another reason: They think their faith requires it.
So, I want to be really clear about two things. First, if you experience hitting, shoving, threats of violence, demeaning name-calling or if your spouse cuts you off from friends and family or financial resources, these are not normal behaviors. They are serious and will not get better by going to marriage enrichment.
Secondly, if these behaviors happen in your home, the church wants you to know that you are loved and you deserve to be safe. The U.S. bishops in their document “When I Call for Help” put it this way: “When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, ‘How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?’ The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises.”
If you are experiencing violence at home, I encourage you to reach out for help. SafeLine KS will direct you to local resources by calling (888) 363-2287 or texting SAFE to 847411. If you are not, I invite you to learn more, since it is more common than we realize and the best course of action can be counterintuitive; go online to: archkck.org/family/care-support/domestic-violence.
May the peace of Christ reign in all our homes.
