‘Mean what you say,’ urges parenting expert

by Jan Dixon
Special to The Leaven

OVERLAND PARK — A large group of parents and grandparents recently gathered on March 6 in the sanctuary of the Church of the Ascension here. They came with mutual hopes of gaining insight into what might make them stronger in their parenting.

Dr. Ray Guarendi, a Catholic father of 10 adopted children and a clinical psychologist for over 40 years, was the presenter.

“We polled the parish on who they wanted as a speaker,” said parishioner Marcia Jacobson. “And they wanted a parenting expert.”

Guarendi had spoken last year at the parish and was well received.

Father Gary Pennings, pastor of Ascension, opened the evening with a prayer, asking God to help the gathered discern their own behavior, demonstrate the truth of the Gospel, and be grateful for our families and our faith.

In no time at all, the church was filled with laughter and heads nodding in understanding as Guarendi, with his characteristic honesty and humor, shared examples of personal experiences in raising children.

“At one time, we had five boys and five girls under the age of 12 in our home, many with multiple risk factors,” said Guarendi. He and his wife faced many common parenting problems, such as getting kids to stay in bed at night, getting school homework and assigned chores completed, and getting the children to act and speak respectfully.

The couple learned to say what they meant and to mean what they said. Parenting out of fear was not an option. They had to discipline, but always with love.

“Love without discipline is child abuse, because the world will discipline and it will hurt,” Guarendi said. “The number one reason parents and grandparents seek me out is to ask about discipline.”

As a New York Times bestselling author of several books, a public speaker, a radio and television host, and practicing psychologist, Guarendi has provided parents with many tools to help them strengthen their skills.

To the crowd gathered at Ascension, Guarendi reiterated some of those discipline tools: avoid overtalking, overexplaining, overthinking and overnegotiating. Say what you are going to do and then do it. Parent at the level the child needs: Toddlers and teens need different kinds of discipline. Don’t make it a brawl. He shared some of the strategies used in his home when needed: no screens, room time, written essays, blackout (no TV, no activities, no friends).

“We have become a microwave culture. We want results immediately and that impacts our approach to children,” said Guarendi. “Results take time. Without discipline, poor behaviors will escalate. Talk without action and follow-through can’t get the job done.”

“There’s no sure formula for successful parenting,” he said. “Parents and grandparents must find the will to properly discipline.”

In a Q&A session following Guarendi’s presentation, Father Pennings posed a concern of his own: the effects of social media.

 “In my opinion, the number one issue parents or grandparents face today is the influence imposed on children by social conditioning (peer pressure, social media, internet, TV/entertainment, etc.),” said Father Pennings.  “Most children, 5th grade and up, are exposed to such influences many hours a week through apps on their phones or on other devices connected to the internet.  The messages pushed by such social institutions often speak more loudly than the parents’ voices do. 

“It’s the same with the church. We find it hard to have the voice of the Gospel heard in a world where secular ideologies are being so loudly proclaimed.”

Guarendi had thoughts of his own on the issue. He reported that reliable surveys show that 90% of males between the ages of 11 and 19 have seen pornography, either intentionally or accidentally. He believes that kids are being given smartphones at too young an age and often without parental controls in place. Guarendi feels that phones change kids’ personalities.

Becky Griffith, Ascension parishioner, and Chris Jackson, from St. Paul Parish in Olathe, skipped their regular Thursday evening tennis game to attend the talk and agreed it was worth it.

“I like the concept of approaching with love and discipline together,” said Griffith.

Chris and June Jones, Ascension parents of four, agreed with the message regarding social media and discipline.

“Discipline is a way of showing love and keeping our children safe,” the couple said.

For more information about Guarendi, go to the website at: www.Dr.Ray.com or check out his books online at: www.drray.com/store.

His radio show “The Dr. Is In” can be heard on 500 stations and his show “Living Right With Dr. Ray” is televised in several countries.